SHARK JESUS: A Foray Into Journalism...

By Nate Carter

Associated Press

RICHMOND, Va. - Scientists have confirmed the "Virgin Birth" of a shark.

In a study reported Friday in the Journal of Fish Biology, scientists said DNA testing proved that a pup carried by a female Atlantic Blacktip shark in the Virginia Aquarium & Marine Science Center contained no genetic material from a male.

Scientist were baffled by the miraculous event, however, this news came in the form of jubilant celebration within the ranks of His Church of the Holy Dorsal, who's followers have long awaited the arrival of their messiah, Shark-Jesus.

Often referred to as a cult by mainstream religious leaders, His Church of the Holy Dorsal prophesizes that a virgin shark will give birth to a pup messiah that will lead its believers out of this earthly world and into a perfect, aquatic version of "heaven".

"We are all swimming in a sea of sin," Burl Erton, a Great White in the Church, said in a recent interview "But by following in the wake of his holy dorsal, Shark-Jesus has finally come to eat up of all of that sin and lead his believers out of these darkened waters and into the shallows of salvation. This is truly a glorious day."

The Church's followers, known as Dorsites, believe that Shark-Jesus is a teacher, the model of a virtuous existence, the physical incarnation of God, and most importantly the under-sea savior of humanity. Most Dorsites believe that Shark-Jesus appeared once before, around the end of the Mesozoic era some 65 million years ago, subsequently bringing about the end of the Dinosaurs and also promising to return to judge the living and the dead at a time when man was ready to, "…return to the sea from whence they came."

Many argue that the birth of this shark pup has no religious significance what so ever, stating the fact that this strange phenomenon has happened before in the world of science. Some even site the size and species of the miracle shark as the reason for their disbelief.

Rex Brown, a New England native and former member of The Church Of The Holy Dorsal, said, "You would think it would be a cooler kind of shark, ya know? I mean, I have never even heard of a blacktip shark. Why isn't it a Great White or a Hammerhead or something awesome like that? I would even settle for a Whale Shark. I know they just eat plankton, but heck, they're humongous."

Erton responds by saying that, "The scripture states only, and I quote, that,

"He shall cast his black eyes upon the world, and manifest his glory through any of the numerous marine carnivorous fishes of the class Chondrichthyes (subclass Elasmobranchii), he will remain at all times large and voracious with a streamlined torpedo like body, he will breathe in this earthy world through no less than five and no more than seven gill openings on each side of his most stately head, he will contain in his mighty gullet a large liver filled with the most sacred of oils, a glorious cartilaginous skeleton, and smooth skin shimmering with small tooth like scales."

When asked to comment further on the dismissal of his religion by the majority of Americans, Erton stated simply, "Their gonna' need a bigger boat."

-Nate