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I am happy to report that the hamster that powers our subscription button is healthy again! We got the subscription button up and running, so do yourself a favor and go subscribe right now. Don't make the hellish weeks of physical therapy and dialysis the hamster went through to be in vein.

--bobo

Second business plan

I want to start an online dating service, strictly for Indian people.

It will be called "Connect the Dots"

--bobo

SHARK JESUS: A Foray Into Journalism...

By Nate Carter

Associated Press

RICHMOND, Va. - Scientists have confirmed the "Virgin Birth" of a shark.

In a study reported Friday in the Journal of Fish Biology, scientists said DNA testing proved that a pup carried by a female Atlantic Blacktip shark in the Virginia Aquarium & Marine Science Center contained no genetic material from a male.

Scientist were baffled by the miraculous event, however, this news came in the form of jubilant celebration within the ranks of His Church of the Holy Dorsal, who's followers have long awaited the arrival of their messiah, Shark-Jesus.

Often referred to as a cult by mainstream religious leaders, His Church of the Holy Dorsal prophesizes that a virgin shark will give birth to a pup messiah that will lead its believers out of this earthly world and into a perfect, aquatic version of "heaven".

"We are all swimming in a sea of sin," Burl Erton, a Great White in the Church, said in a recent interview "But by following in the wake of his holy dorsal, Shark-Jesus has finally come to eat up of all of that sin and lead his believers out of these darkened waters and into the shallows of salvation. This is truly a glorious day."

The Church's followers, known as Dorsites, believe that Shark-Jesus is a teacher, the model of a virtuous existence, the physical incarnation of God, and most importantly the under-sea savior of humanity. Most Dorsites believe that Shark-Jesus appeared once before, around the end of the Mesozoic era some 65 million years ago, subsequently bringing about the end of the Dinosaurs and also promising to return to judge the living and the dead at a time when man was ready to, "…return to the sea from whence they came."

Many argue that the birth of this shark pup has no religious significance what so ever, stating the fact that this strange phenomenon has happened before in the world of science. Some even site the size and species of the miracle shark as the reason for their disbelief.

Rex Brown, a New England native and former member of The Church Of The Holy Dorsal, said, "You would think it would be a cooler kind of shark, ya know? I mean, I have never even heard of a blacktip shark. Why isn't it a Great White or a Hammerhead or something awesome like that? I would even settle for a Whale Shark. I know they just eat plankton, but heck, they're humongous."

Erton responds by saying that, "The scripture states only, and I quote, that,

"He shall cast his black eyes upon the world, and manifest his glory through any of the numerous marine carnivorous fishes of the class Chondrichthyes (subclass Elasmobranchii), he will remain at all times large and voracious with a streamlined torpedo like body, he will breathe in this earthy world through no less than five and no more than seven gill openings on each side of his most stately head, he will contain in his mighty gullet a large liver filled with the most sacred of oils, a glorious cartilaginous skeleton, and smooth skin shimmering with small tooth like scales."

When asked to comment further on the dismissal of his religion by the majority of Americans, Erton stated simply, "Their gonna' need a bigger boat."

-Nate

She's so smart

So my girlfriend called me a pedophile last night.

Pretty big word for a 12 yr old.

--bobo

Just a thought...

Ever notice that people who believe in Jesus are usually really fucking awesome at something... hmmm...

-Nate

Magic Touch

So the power went out after a really crazy storm. Just for kicks I went to check the fusebox. Everything looked normal, so I went to shut the fuse box door. As soon as I slammed it shut, the power kicked back on. I'm convinced I fixed the power for the entire block.

--bobo

You know, I never get sick...

...I think it's because there was this huge bucket behind my house when I was a kid and it would collect rain water and after a while these big old amoeba's starting to live in there.

My mom told me to never eat those amoeba's. I wondered why she would even tell me that.

I had no intention of ever eating any of those big amoeba's.

A few day's later I was outside wondering around playing and sure enough I found myself behind the house staring into the bucket. I stared for quite some time, eying a big fat one. His little hairs wiggling him through the water. Finally, I reached in and squeezed the big fella, pulled him out of the bucket and looked at him for a moment.

"Why shouldnt I eat you?" I thought, "You looks OK..."

and with that I popped him in my mouth and swallowed.

No big deal, right?

Boy was I wrong.

A few hours later i was sick. Super sick.

How could something that looked so friendly be so bad. I had a lot to learn, I guess. I should have listened to my mommy. I didn't tell her that I had eaten from the amoeba bucket. She just thought that I had the flu.

Several days later I was all better.

A few more after that found me behind the house standing over the bucket.

Again.

Staring at the big old amoeba's slowly swimming in the murky water.

Again.

There was something mesmerizing about them. Before long I had eaten another one. I stood for a brief moment contemplating my own intelligence, but a pretty butterfly fluttered by and I chased it around a bit, giggling, before the sickness hit me.

Again.

Not quite as bad this time, but still pretty bad. The pattern just kept repeating. A week later I was better and back at the bucket in no time. I kept eating the plump little amoeba's and getting sick, eating the amoeba's and getting sick. But each time I was less and less sick, and after a while, I wasn't sick at all.

After a few months of this and a brief dry spell they were all gone.

Fall came, then the winter snow and the old bucket would fill with the fluffy powder. I would make shivering trips behind the house for the chance at maybe spotting a rare and timid snow amoeba, but to no avail.

Early the next spring my dad put the bucket into his shed to store it away, and with it went the chance to enjoy the big ol' amoeba's again that summer.

I have never forgotten my summer with the amoeba's, i remember them fondly and still can't pass a rain filled container or bin without taking a hopeful peek inside. They left me with great memories and, apparently a hefty immune system.

I've never been sick again.

-Nate

All I need is a written business plan

I want to start a trapeze circus act staring an asian midget. It will be called "The Flying Wonton".

It sounds much funnier if you say it out loud in a stereotypical asian accent.

--bobo

Subscription button coming soon!

We are working on adding a subscribe button to the feed so you can get email updates whenever we post new topics. The hamster powering the subscription button is currently on dialysis and has is suffering from emphysema. We are working on these issues.

--bobo

I like Brussels Sprouts. When I ate them as a kid I liked to pretend they were whole cabbages and that I was a giant. I still do that, actually...

-nate

Time travel revisited

Nate has me thinking.

Nate always has me thinking, but in this case its about time travel. Now for me time travel is impossible to think about without my mind wandering off to Back to The Future. So put two and two together, and now I am unfortunately thinking about whether or not Doc Brown or Marty ever performed fellatio on themselves during their time traveling experiences.

What do you think that interaction was like?

"Holy shit! You're me!"

"Yes, I am. Now drop your pants."

"What?! What are you talking about? This doesn't make any sense."

"You want a blow job or not?"

"......ok make it quick" ::starts crying::

I would imagine it would be a lot harder to convince your past self to go down on you. I mean it's one thing to refuse a blow job from a potential future you, but it's an entirely different scenario to convince someone that not only is the person they're looking at is really them from the future,
but that the fate of the world in the future depends on coppin' dome from their past self.

[Yes that's right, I would attempt to trick my past self into it, otherwise I would probably just be convinced that this was all some elaborate plan by some devious, time-traveling, shape-shifters to call me a fag ]

Why are people in the future such assholes?

--bobo

I see this commercial all the time lately. This couple comes from the future to tell their past selves about a big car deal or something and the present time guy tells his future-time wife that he likes her hair and future-time him gives him a look like he had better knock it off.

What does it matter?

They are the same person.

I will just say it.

If I went back in time and met my past self I would 100% give myself a blowjob. One hundred percent.

I told this fact to some friends the other day and one of them asked if that would be homosexual or masturbatory, and I would definatly say that it falls under the masturbation category. Jerking off isn't gay. So I don't think that blowing yourself is either. It’s your mouth and your penis, just two different bodies, right? Its not butt stuff. I wouldn't do any butt stuff to my past self. If I don't do it to myself now then I don’t go back in time and do it to myself then either.

That’s the rules.

I mean lets face it, putting stuff in you butt is a little bit gay anytime. I mean if you want to go back and gay it up with yourself, knock yourself out.

Me?

I’m stickin’ to BJ's.

Don’t judge me to harshly based on this thought.

It may sound a bit shocking, at first, I know, but that’s probably why we don’t have time machines. No ones thought of this aspect of time travel before. Scientist have always been like "Wow, I would love to travel back in time and meet Herbert Hoover and see the dinosaurs." or something like that.

But then they started thinking about it and realized that it was going to be hard to do.

I mean really hard.

Then they probably realized that no one wants to talk to Herbert Hoover.

What are you gonna talk to Herbert Hoover about?

"I like your dam, it's really big."

No thanks,

Dinosaurs?

After those last couple of Jurassic Park movies I've seen about all the dinosaurs I want.

They are terrifying and they eat you.

What's wrong with people?

Let the dinosaurs be.

But if just one scientist were to think about time travel sex, we'd all be blowing ourselves right now.

I’m just saying.

--Nate

I want to get a serious sound system for my car, and ride around listening to "Haunted House Music" and nod my head to it like its SLAYER just to see how people respond. Throw a metal sign up to passers by.

--bobo

Fake eyebrows

So I saw a woman with fake eyebrows today, you know, the ones they just paint on. But it got me thinking. How hilarious would it be to mess with someone who does that. Like repaint them on to make them look like they are INCREDIBLY surprised, like all the time. It would have to take place during a nap or something.

Something in your refrigerator may be killing your children... more at 11:00.

Well, this is my first official post, i suppose... we'll do our best, I'm sure. but just in case I would really like to apologize in advance...

Anyway...

I don't know what's stranger, Vanna White asking a Sea Lion what it's favorite letter is or me on the edge of my seat.

...or the fact that she is still alive...

--nate

You are going to regret this....

So consider this the first official post of "We Apologize In Advance". A blog that was created to keep a record of all of the random and ridiculous things me and fellow blogger Nate think of from time to time, which we consider to be funny. So like it or not, here it goes.

We Apologize In Advance