Davy and Bruce

It's a little know fact that Davy Crockett was a HUGE fan of raccoons. I know what you are thinking.

"But Bobo, he always wore a raccoon skin cap"

Don't I know it. Allow me to share the tale of Davy and Bruce.

Bruce was Davy's pet racoon and childhood best friend. They did everything together. At the age of 14 they set out on a journey in search of excitement. Bruce would travel in a makeshift backpack on Davy's back.

One day on their travels they stumbled across a large warehouse in the bottom of a valley. Stricken with curiosity, they ventured down to get a closer look. Much to their surprise, they learned that this building was filled with Nazi scientists.

They crept up closer to a window to find out what was going on. Davy put his ear up to the glass.

"Our experiment is almost complete! Soon we will have a whole ARMY of half man, half racoon warriors. Once our subjects have come to life, we will unleash them on the unsuspecting world and begin our global conquest! Also kudos to the fuhrer for instructing us to learn English to explain our evil plan in!"

Davey and Bruce were gripped with horror. They could not believe what was happening right before their eyes. Just beyond the laughing scientists he could see rows and rows of test chambers with Raccoon-Men connected to Nazi tubes floating around in some sort of green liquid.

"Well I don't know about you Bruce, but I can't just sit here and watch these Nazis get away with this."

Bruce dropped to the bottom of the backpack and just started shaking.

Determined, Davy grabbed his machete and crashed through the window, taking the scientists by surprise. He quickly threw his machete at the giant electrical box conveniently labeled "MAIN POWER SUPPLY THAT CONTROLS EVERYTHING. HANDLE MACHETES WITH CARE".

This was also written in English.

There was a great explosion that rang out for miles. With that one simple gesture, Davy and Bruce has stopped one of the biggest catastrophes the world would have ever seen, but their story is not over yet.

Once the explosion started to come to an end, the room got quiet. Too quiet. All of the remaining scientists knew what was about to happen. The silence only lasted a moment. From beneath quiet sounds of the wind blowing through the warehouse, came a sound that much resembled an engine. Without warning, large storm doors crashed open only to reveal what Davy would remember as "The Misery Bringer".

There sat the fuhrer himself behind his illustrious 1967 Pontiac GTO.

For the crimes against man, and for the crimes against raccoons, Davy believed that this was not only his fight, but Bruce's fight too. He took off the backpack, lowered it to the ground, and shook Bruce out of the bag.

Bruce stood there, confused by his long time friend's actions.

Davey looked down with a grimace and simply said, "Go get em' Brucey...."

The fuhrer casually flicked his Marlboro Light cigarette butt out the window, and revved the engine twice.

Bruce started cleaning his paws.

The fuhrer dropped it into 1st gear, and floored it. As he began barreling down towards Bruce, Davy started to realize he did not think this plan out very far, but it was too late.

I will spare you the bloody details, but I think we all know what came next.

Crying tears that wouldn't stop, Davy grabbed the remains of his beloved friend, and outran the GTO.

In an effort to remind himself everyday of the tragic loss of his best friend, and his hasty decisions, Davy fastened a hat out of his beloved child-hood companion.

He had realized the error of his ways. He should have never charged Bruce with such a big task. Taking on a Pontiac GTO was too much for the litter feller.

If only Hitler drove a Prius.

--bobo